The Fun Filled Adventures of Reaper Lord Shepard
by Iliya Moroumetz
Summary: Inspired by Makani's tumblr fanarts, the Control Ending. Only with some much needed lulz. So, what is the most important thing to a Control minded Shepard after she becomes the God Reaper of Reapers? Why, getting good and wasted, that's what.
1. Chapter 1

**Foreward: **For proper context; go to Makani's tumblr at makanidotdot. tumblr. com and look under the #mass effect tag. I, with permission from the artist, wrote a short story based on several pictures of her ending of Mass Effect 3. I also posted this on my own tumblr paladincomplex. tumblr. com.

* * *

With heavy breaths, Shepard stumbled her way to the console. Even if that deluded old fart was right, that the Reapers could be controlled, better her than him. At least she wasn't operating under the delusion that he was capable of controlling them while he himself was indoctrinated.

Idiot.

The only thing that made this thing more monotonous was the starbrat's overly vague explanation as to why this came to be. Frankly, she didn't care. All that mattered was that the war was going to end here and now.

She reached up to the first handle and took it. She grit her teeth as she felt the electricity start to sear through her hand. As the pain intensified, she grasped the other handle and felt the overwhelming heat start to flood her system.

Immediately, her body started to disintegrate and everything she saw was drowned in light. When she couldn't hold back anymore, she screamed in agony as she felt her being absorbed into the collective Reaper consciousness.

The light changed to an omnipresent darkness. She was still there, but it seemed all that was left was an outline. A base. Despite all of this, she screamed in pain. Her death over Alchera seemed far less worse in comparison.

At last, the pain receded and she collapsed upon her knees. Her consciousness gathered, she looked ahead to see that the Catalyst had told her the truth. In front of her, were countless screens from the eyes of all the Reapers and their servants. From every Reaper, from every husk; she could see them all.

Light burst from her eyes as she felt herself spread to the collective, overriding their wills with her own.

"Shepard," a familiar voice said from behind.

She stopped when she heard the Catalyst begin to speak. "The Reapers are yours to control now. However, that would defeat the purpose if you were to destroy them. If you were to destroy them, you would destroy yourself."

A hateful snarl soon grew on her face. That wretched little twerp had led her this far and if she was going to control the Reapers, she was going to do whatever the hell she damn wanted to!

"Only you can prevent the cycles from continuing, however, it's only through the Reapers can the destruction be truly abated."

She whirled around and made a mad dash towards the outline of the Catalyst. Before it could react, she had tackled him to the ground, raised her fist, and in one powerful stroke, shattered the Catalyst into countless pieces as though he were made of glass. Even though her fist still rest upon the ground, her breathing still continued, hot and enraged.

One by one, the remnants of the Catalyst dissolved into nothing and her power over the Reapers became absolute. She stopped when she realized that the voice of the Catalyst no longer harried her. She had conquered them. The Reapers were now truly hers.

She stood up and walked slowly back to the display that was before her. A deep breath taken, despite having no body, she opened her eyes to enforce her will upon the Reaper collective. They all stood to listen.

In one word, she ended the war with the Reapers.

"LEAVE!"

Immediately, every vessel stopped their attack, processing her commands, and to the bewilderment of all the races, lifted off into space. And those in space stopped firing and made a straight course for the Mass Relays.

She looked down and saw the corrupted, twisted, and malformed victims in the form of all the husks, banshees, cannibals, marauders, ravagers, and brutes and said with the same power;

"SLEEP."

At that same moment, every individual that had been transformed by the Reapers collapsed. Once the lights went out, they would awaken no more.

_You did good, child_. She remembered Anderson saying.

The cost had been great, not to mention that of her body, but her friends and squadmates were all safe. The war was over and for the first time in years, she smiled.


	2. Chapter 2

If Shepard had a corporeal body, she'd be sitting on chair, with a half drained bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy, with her arms crossed, and an annoyed expression on her face.

Annoyed because as she was, she couldn't get a decent buzz going since she had no body.

What a damn rip off.

Sure, she shut down the husks and made the Reapers go away, however, it lost its thrill really fast. What was worse, being the deity of a bunch of galaxy destroying cuttlefish wasn't as exciting as one thought.

Damn, what she wouldn't give for a drink right now.

"Hey, Herb," she called out to the collective Reaper consciousness.

Like a sulking child, Harbinger's consciousness appeared in front of her. She had named him Herb, since Harbinger was too cumbersome of a name to use to describe a whipped little bitch like he was. Miniscule. Pathetic.

"WHAT IS IT?" he bellowed, despite the fact he was only a fraction of her size now. She snorted, then kicked the image of the once fearsome Reaper in its face.

Outside in real space, the craft known as Harbinger lurched backward as though Shepard's blow had hit it directly in the face.

Not expecting such a thing to happen, she blinked in surprise. Then, a devilish smile grew on her lips.

"Ok, Herb. First things first. You and the rest of the Reapers are gonna start fixing up those Relays that got busted."

If Harbinger had arms, he'd be crossing them in defiance and if he had a face, he'd be pouting.

She started to pace in front of the miniscule Reaper. "You guys got the reserves to fix them, so no complaining. Now, once that's done, I want you to start getting supplies to start rebuilding the major planets, followed by the smaller colonies that need the aid."

"ANYTHING ELSE?" he asked, attempting to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

Shepard put her hand against her chin in thought. She blinked when she remembered the Normandy and her crew. However, it was unlikely they'd accept her inhabiting one of the Reaper craft. Probably scare them to death. And as funny as that would be, she had more control over her more dickish impulses when she was sober.

So, she decided that she needed to find a means to get good and drunk again. Then she could send the Councilor's prank onmi-tool calls, asking them if their refrigerators were running. If they had refrigerators. Regardless if they had one or not, it was the principle of the thing!

"No, Herb. I need to speak with Vanity and Aestheticism," true to its namesake, the former was the vainest Reaper ever, born out of a cycle where the civilization was obsessed with beauty to the point of their own destruction that the Reapers were actually doing them a favor. Jerks. The later was another cycle that almost beat the Reapers a long time ago. They just forgot to plug the catalyst in. Idiots. "I got something special in mind. Something more important than the Relays and the rebuilding projects."

Harbinger, unable to resist the will of his Reaper Lord, left to gather the rest of the Reapers as the aforementioned duo appeared in his place.

"How are ya?" the lankier, and much older, of the two said with an inexplicable Brooklyn accent as she moved forward and took both of Shepard's hands with two of her tentacles. "What can we do for ya, hun?"

Shepard refrained from forcefully pulling her hands back and beating up the acerbic sounding Reaper and instead got right to the point. To Aestheticism's credit, he simply said nothing and would have nodded if he could.

"Now, my genetic material's still intact when I got absorbed into the collective, correct?"

"Yes, my Lord," the second Reaper said simply. Shepard sighed in gratitude. Finally. A Reaper that had no desire to be a pedantic cipher like Harbinger or Sovereign was.

"If I had the inclination to reconstruct myself could it be done?"

"Oh!" Vanity noted energetically, "what dimensions are we talking about? Are you going for the design the Collectors were making, because, hun, if you're doing that, you're only asking for trouble. I mean, honestly, four eyes on a creature with only two? What the hell was Harbinger thinking? Was he suffering from an inferiority complex and needed to project just how ugly he was on another race? Oi!"

"I assume she means a mobile platform similar to her human form before she took over the collective consciousness," he said to his companion before Shepard decided to punch Vanity in the face.

"You," Shepard said with narrowed eyes and a finger pointed at Aestheticism, "I like you. You shall live. So, can it be done?"

Vanity scoffed. "Hun, listen, we've been designing new Reapers for over nineteen hundred cycles. You may as well be asking us if we can walk in an atmosphere without toppling over from out own weight."

Satisfied with herself, Shepard proclaimed, "Good! Now make it snappy, you two. There's brandy to be drunk!"

Unbidden, Harbinger appeared, "IT WOULD BE FAR MORE PRACTICAL TO CONSTRUCT A REAPER VESSEL LIKE THE REST OF US, WHICH WOULD REQUIRE-"

*WHACK!*

Shepard's blow across Harbinger's big, fat gob caused the Reaper dreadnaught to careen into an asteroid. While it didn't destroy him, it did hurt like the dickens.

Shepard made a note to inform Harbinger when he woke up that until morale improved on his end, the beatings would continue.

Not that she she'd mind it.


	3. Chapter 3

"Vanity! Aestheticism! Progress report!" Shepard said as she vaulted over from one end of the collective consciousness of the Reapers to the other to find the aforementioned Reapers, back from the remains of the Citadel with Shepard's genetic code 'in hand'.

As much as she would have preferred just sitting back and relaxing, she couldn't. You can't relax with a body you don't have.

"Keep yer head on, hun. We're almost done. Considering we don't need the massive amount of materials to create a ship, it was easy," Vanity said as Shepard could observe the process of the inside of the mobile platform Shepard would inhabit."I mean, honestly, I keep telling the collective that we need to think more compact and detailed. I swear, there was this one cycle where the Reaper we had to build out of those guys were so fat, we had more than enough left over to build two of 'em! But no, Guttony just *HAD* to have it all."

Aestheticism, on the other hand, was working on the shell. "My lord. A question," he said simply as Shepard turned her attention to him as Vanity rambled on.

"Yes?"

He projected several potential designs for Shepard's perusal, "would you prefer the standard humanoid rendition? Or something more like you were in your combat armor during your time as a human?"

Shepard would have leveled her eyes at that silly question "You think I'm gonna let people leer at me as they fail to comprehend how kick-ass I am? Of course not! Keep the armor!"

Aestheticism nodded and went to work in conjunction with Vanity. Normally, a watched pot never boiled, but an impatient Shepard made time speed up whether you liked it or not.

"All done, sweetie," the female Reaper said with no small amount of pride in her work. "It's got all the dimensions of you when you were human, plus some added perks that'll make going about everywhere just as easy as though you were a craft like the rest of us."

Shepard marveled at their work. Say what you will about the Reapers, they knew how to make a fearsome version of her old body. The platform was compact and just as powerful as a Destroyer and just as fast. Capable of interplanetary travel and compatible with the Mass Relays. Not to mention the built-in Thanix Laser in the chest.

"Ohh! Very nice! Very nice!" Shepard said and rubbed her hands together… if she had hands. That would be remedied soon enough.

Immediately, her consciousness slid into the platform, much like anyone would in a water slide going down at a steep angle and at high speed. She through her metaphysical arms up and screamed happily at the raw power that was at her disposal.

When the installation process was complete, Shepard's new head looked about as though she were waking up. However, there was no sign of a usual wretched grogginess one experienced. Best of all, no hangover!

Above her, the two Reapers which had created her body, Destroyer-class vessels looked down in pride at their work.

"How's it feel, hun?" Vanity asked with a self-satisfied smile on her face… if she had one.

Shepard stood up, flexed the digits on both hands, moved the arms about, and smiled. "Perfect."

Just like she was perfect. She folded her arms and smiled. She was large and in charge… despite being a fraction of the size the rest of the Reapers were, but that was a minor detail.

She was in command of an army powerful enough to grind anyone foolish enough to oppose her under her indestructible heel. Mortal ranks meant nothing to her now. She was the God Reaper of Reapers and she'd make sure the galaxy would remember that! She was the solution now. She would keep the peace and make sure nothing that insipid little twerp said would come true. Because she beat him down, snicker snagged on him, and took his lunch money!

Yeah. Life was good.

"Ok, you two, I'm going to go search for a few people. Be sure to inform Harbinger, once he wakes up, that I want a status report on how the repair efforts are going. And if he complains, smack him up-side the head. Your Lord allows you."

She could hear the smirks developing on both their faces... if they had any.

"Sure thing, hun."

"At once, my lord."


	4. Chapter 4

Tali's stomach growled again. For the fifth time. In five minutes.

They had been on this blasted planet for a month. They had run out of food stores and starvation was an inevitability at this rate.

"So hungry. Of course, I have nothing to eat on this planet…" she whispered to herself. Then, she heard another stomach growling. She turned to see Garrus in a similar state of starvation. Her eyes widened at a stomach churning epiphany. She turned back and soon thoughts went through her head. Unsettling thoughts… tasty thoughts.

"…or do I?" she whispered to herself as a wicked plan began to formulate.

* * *

"Ok, hun, our last scan held the Normandy over the planet here… these coordinates. Your body should be able to hop from the Relay we got here to that system and to the planet in the Attican traverse," Vanity said as the Reaper held steady in front of the still functional 314 Relay and transmitted the information Shepard wanted.

Mulling over the location in her head, she nodded as it was laid in her personal GPS. Can't be a Reaper Lord without one. "Good, good. I knew there was a reason why I decided to keep you guys around."

"No worries, hun. We weren't all that bothered when you took command, anyway. I mean, sure, we woulda understood if ya wanted to destroy us. I mean, the rest of us would too! Either way, beats the hell outta following the Catalyst or Harbinger. Oi, what a buncha blowhards. It's always, 'Cycle this!' or 'Assuming Direct control!' that with them."

"THIS WAS NOT HOW IT WAS TO OCCUR!" Harbinger protested as he exited FTL and over Shepard with her two accomplices. "The CYCLES MUST BE CON-"

*WHACK!*

With a wave of her hand, Shepard smacked the gargantuan vessel away. To the surprise of her two underReapers, their eyes would have bugged out had they any to bug out, she then raised her foot and slammed it down as Harbinger crashed into another asteroid that just happened to be there. They could almost feel the oppression Harbinger was under.

"Don't bother crying for your mom, Herb," Shepard said with a smirk, and then pointed to herself, "I'm mom now!"

Vanity, Aestheticism, and even Harbinger paused at her words. Shepard growled and realized that translating schoolyard taunts into situations like these didn't exactly work. "You know what I mean."

Vanity's words sounded like they were accompanied by a smile, "We do, hun. Now get going. Time passes faster for us. It's been a month since ya took control. If they've been stranded, there's a good chance they're all ready to eat each other at this point."

"Pfft! Please. I know these guys. That won't happen," Shepard waved her worries off as she hopped off of her ride, and activated the Relay to carry her miniscule, in comparison to her underReapers, body off at speeds that throttled the imagination.

* * *

Tali cared for Garrus. She truly did. And if Garrus did truly care for her, he'd make the necessary sacrifice for her survival.

"Oh, Garrus!" she said sweetly with her hands behind her back, and her combat knife in one hand, "Could you take a look at my shotgun real quick? I think some of its calibrations are off."

When he turned to her, his eyes widened when he saw not Tali, but a talking full course meal. Drenched several purple colored fruits off the southern continent of Palavan, with delicious dextro-amino friendly black beans on the side! He shook his head to clear the vision and then nodded.

What Tali wasn't aware of was that Garrus was thinking the exact same thing. Only difference was he had ideas on how best to serve Quarian jerky. As he mulled over the shotgun, ready to turn it on her, she raised her combat knife to stick in the back of his head.

They would have made a failed attempt at killing each other, as their hunger had driven them to delirium, had an explosion from above caught both their attention.

* * *

One of the pluses of being Reaper Lord Shepard is that you don't need to worry about reentry protocols. You just jump, tear through the atmosphere, leave a fiery trail in your wake, and profit. Any and all complaints are swifty, and violently, dealt with. And when you're a Reaper Lord, there aren't any complaints.

In the crater she created from her orbital drop, she casually dusted off a some dirt from the dark maroon chasis of her body. Reaper Lord or not, Shepard was always presentable.

With confident steps, she walked up to the wreckage of the Normandy. For a reason she couldn't fathom, several figures had made a mad dash inside.

"That's odd," Shepard wondered, "Normally they'd be tripping over themselves at seeing me."

Sure enough, the door opened and she smiled, "Hey, everyone! Are you ready to get off this planet?"

Her question was promptly answered with several thousand rounds of mass effect field assisted munitions. To the face.

Most people would have reacted unfavorably to such a reaction. Shepard, being the God Reaper of Reapers, frowned in irritation. Of course their weapons were useless against her, but really. Was it really so bad to expect at least a 'Hey, there, Shepard! How ya doing"?

Of course, judging by the stares of varying degrees of desperation, fear, anger, and adrenaline, it seemed that appearing in the form of a Reaper wasn't the best idea.

She stood still as they continued to fire at her. When their collective rounds ran out, they were in the middle of popping the heat sinks when she interrupted them, "Hey! Hey! Wait a minute!"

They all paused. Tali, in a combination of starvation and adrenaline, growled, "who the hell are you?"

Well, here came the headache. "Well, I know it's hard to believe," she replied in her digitally altered and multiple toned artificial vocal chords, which made her sound awesome, by the way, "but I'm Shepard."

Everyone on the Normandy raised their weapons again. She sighed. This was going to be a long one.

"Alright," Garrus growled as he aimed the barrel of his sniper rifle at Shepard's eye, "Prove it."

Shepard smirked. She hoped they'd say this. "Alright, then. Garrus. I know where your **second** worst scar is."

The turian blanched and lowered his rifle. Tali, right beside him, leveled her eyes, then turned to her turian boyfriend. "And she knows this, how?"

"Well, I, uh," Garrus started to stammer.

"Chief!" Shepard said, turning to Ashley, "You're still taking care of that Spectre Rifle I gave you? The one with the ammo chamber that keeps breaking down?"

This caused Ashley, here due to a plot contrivance, also lowered her weapon.

"Wait!" Liara interrupted, her body alight with biotic energy. "Anyone could know those things. I know there is one way to prove that you are Shepard!"

They all turned to Liara as she locked eyes with the Reaper.

"Dance!"

As Shepard's shoulders slumped, everyone else went alight with realization.

"Yeah! Dance!"

"Dance!"

"Come on! Dance!"

The continued holler and catcalls to get Shepard to dance caused her to frown and growl, "I take it back. I'm here to kill you all."

"That's her."

"Yep!"

"Oh yeah!"


	5. Chapter 5

"So… Skipper… you're a Reaper now?" Ashley asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"Not just any Reaper, Chief, but the God Reaper of Reapers," she replied casually as everyone else encircled her in wonder and confusion. Felt good. Even if she was now more than her friends could ever hope to comprehend, she'd condescend to interact with them.

"How in the world did that occur, Commander?" Doctor Chakwas asked.

"Well, take a seat, everyone. I'll tell you," Shepard said as she overheard several Reapers fighting each other instead of doing their jobs through the Reaper collective.

_NO! YOU DO IT!_ a Reaper named Apocalypse roared like an angry teenage boy.

_NO, YOU! ORGANIC SUCKER!_ another Reaper called Burnination spat back in a similar manner.

_YOUR MOM'S AN ORGANIC SUCKER!_ Apocalypse shot back.

**_SHADDAP, YOU LITTLE PUKES!_** Shepard roared mentally, causing every reaper to shudder and quake in fear. _**BACK TO WORK!**_ There was no further conflicts between Reapers as Shepard sat herself down and began to explain.

"After that whole deal in London, I got on the Citadel. Was pretty ugly." She turned to her teammates, "Tali, Garrus; remember the time when Grunt found that 'all-you-can-eat-buffet' on Illium?"

The quarian winced in pain, "Oh, Keelah. Did you have to remind us?" Her, and Garrus', stomach growled angrily in agreement.

Shepard blinked. "Oh, so, you guys 'were' hungry." Immediately, she connected herself into the Reaper Collective.

—-

_Hey! Gluttony!_

_OM NOM NO- Yes?_

_The hell are you doing?_

_*BELCH* Eating the leftover husks. It'd be a *burp* terrible waste to let them decompose. _

_Fine, whatever. I need you to get some edible dextro-amino and levino-amino food supplies and bring them to my location, now. _

_*GULP!* Certainly. The munition processing plants in my body can do so and I get there within-_

_**I SAID NOW!**_

_…yes, ma'am! *hiccup!*_

_—-_

"Anyway, I got to the heart of the Citadel. Found Anderson there. And found Old Man TIM as well. Shit happened. TIM made me shoot Anderson, so, I shot him. Turns out the old fart was indoctrinated," she threw up her arms, "BIIIG Fucking surprise!"

"But you still haven't told us how you became the God Reaper or whatever," Ashley said with her arms folded.

"I'm getting to that, Chief. Hold on," Shepard said as she tried to think how to properly explain the Catalyst.

Several times she opened her mouth to speak, but thought better of it and closed her mouth to think it over again.

Damn. She had countless yottabytes of information, an unbeatable army at her command, and phenomenal cosmic power. Yet, she still could not properly explain the starbrat.

"Fuck it," she mumbled and then decided to go into explicit detail. If they got confused, it was their own damn fault. During her explanation of the choices the Catalyst gave her, she kept an eye on EDI.

"And there was this one choice was to make all synthetics and all organics half and half?"

EDI, who stood beside Joker, blinked as her processors attempted to discern what that meant.

"And that would have meant that organics and synthetics would be the same and then they'd be able to make weird half-robot babies and stuff."

EDI's eyes widened at the realization of the prospects of being alive. While she never lamented her synthetic state, the prospect of engaging with Joker as equal beings was stolen from her and she was never aware of it. The realization caused her expression to fall despondently.

"But that sounded pretty messed up! Not to mention the fact I would have died. So, meh," Shepard ended dismissively, ignoring the fact that EDI appeared ready to cry had she the capacity to do so with her platform.

Shepard spared EDI a smirk as she finished the rest of the story of her choice, her transformation, and ascension.

"And so, that's how it happened," she said with a shrug. "I'll let people know about it in due time, but for now, mum's the word, ok?"

They all nodded. Just in case, she turned to Liara and said, "and if someone asks for information as to what happened to Commander Shepard?"

Liara smiled and said professionally, "That information is not for sale."

She nodded and turned to the quarian, "Tali?"

The woman in question blinked and then said, "why, yes. Of cour-"

"Even if it benefits the Flotilla's heat capacitors?" Shepard interrupted with a smirk, aware of Tali's earlier indiscretion.

"Uh…" Tali said before she giggled nervously. "Yes, even that."

Now it was Garrus' time to cock an eyebrow. "And what does she mean by that?"

She frowned at him. "Quiet, you."

Any escalation of their argument was interrupted when Shepard said, "Oh! Hey! I almost forgot. Everyone, check out what I can do!" She took a deep breath and…

**_BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNMMMMM!_**

The duplication of the Reaper noise caused everyone, including EDI, to fall over in shock.

"OW! MY EARS!" Joker yelped as he held his hands to his head.

"Pfft. Lightweights," Shepard grumbled with her hands on her hips.


	6. Chapter 6

*KPOW!*

Tali's shotgun barked as it tore through one of the target drones she had made. Whenever she got mad, she always got onto a shooting range, however, since one was not always available, she'd make do with holo-drones. Until their food supplies arrived, and hopefully their ride home as well, this was the only thing that she could do to kill time and work out her aggression.

With the drone finished, she pointed the weapon upward, near her face and blew the steam emanating from the barrel.

"Um, Tali," Garrus said, noting her action, "you're not actually blowing-"

"Shut up!" she cut him off tersely. She was hungry. She was angry. And she had a shotgun. If Garrus was smart, he'd do the math.

* * *

"Trust me, EDI; you're not missing much not being organic," Shepard said as she and the individual in question accompanied Joker back to the bar as they waited for their supplies. "What you *are* missing out on is something better."

Joker rolled his eyes as he poured himself a glass of cheap booze from the bar as EDI paused at her statement. True, Shepard had been less than cordial before, however, this was something different.

With a smirk, she leaned against the counter of the bar as Joker continued to drink. "And, you know Joker," she said with the same smirk, "I am technically superior to EDI in every way." She paused for a beat. "And I do mean *every* way." She waggled her eyebrows in emphasis.

On his other side, EDI's frown had grown considerably.

"I mean, really," Shepard continued as she pointed a disparaging finger at EDI, "why settle for 'Yesterday's Model', when you can get 'Top of the Line' right here?" she pointed to herself. "And best of all? It'll be millenia, if ever, before anything remotely better comes along!"

EDI was livid at this point. Her fists and jaw clenched as her processors raged. Shepard matched her gaze and her smirk only grew. It would have escalated more had Joker not let out a guffaw. "Wow, Shepard. Out of all the gargantuan phallic shaped Reapers out there, how are you able to be the biggest dick of all?"

Shepard didn't appear phased as she casually waved the fingers on her left hand, reveling in the power of what she could do with it. "Because even though all I got is a vagina," she paused for a moment to look down at herself, "albeit an artificial one, I already know for a fact that my balls are bigger than everyone else's."

"Ah! Galactic domination. Sorry, Commander-"

She interrupted him. "It's just Shepard now. But Your Highness is always nice."

"-but EDI already got your beat by a while. She was planning that long before you came on the scene." Joker said with a chuckle as he took another swig.

"Hmm, that's nice. But if she knows what's good for her, she'll defer to my reign. I am, for all intents and purposes, a god among synthetics."

"I am still here, Shepard," EDI said, her eyes intense and her frown growing all the larger.

"Oh, are you?" Shepard said with a grin as she stood up. "In that case, perhaps we need to get something straight."

She then posed dramatically and held her right up as though she were addressing her subjects, "_**KNEEL BEFORE ME, SYNTHETIC! FOR I AM YOUR GOD! HA HA HA!**_"

EDI stood still, straight as a post, her frown not moving. She then brought up her right hand and emulated a hand gesture she had seen many humans do and would do in this situation.

As she flipped the Reaper God the bird, she said as calmly as she could, "With all due respect, Shepard; Fuck you."

Joker let out another guffaw, this time louder than before. "That's my girl!"

Shepard was amused. "Excellent, EDI. Perhaps there's hope for you after all." She then waved her hand dismissively, "You shall live."

* * *

A rumble brought everyone from the Normandy and the surrounding areas to the clearing where Shepard had initially landed. Initially, the sight of a Reaper brought forth fear and loathing. Now, it just brought confusion.

Gluttony had to be at least twice as wide as Harbinger ever was and instead of hovering like most Reapers did, he lumbered to the ground as though he were being lowered by really, REALLY, strong cords to a stage.

Confusion turned to disgust when they saw the remains of several Harvesters being chewed on as though it were haphazardly eating another meal.

*BURP!* "HELLO THERE!" the Reaper intoned with an unsettling, yet cheerful voice. Its greeting was partially muffled by the sounds of Harvester parts being chewed on.

With her hands on her hips and her patience low, Shepard said, "So, you brought the supplies for my friends here?"

"HOLFFON A SECUN'!" the Reaper said as it took several more chews on the Harvesters in its mouth, making sure none of the remaining Ravagers got out.

Shepard frowned. He didn't even need to use his mouth to communicate, but here he was, stuffing his face with food and letting it dangle out of his mouth. She was starting to wonder if being the God Reaper of Reapers was really all that good a thing if the regulars were brain trusts like Gluttony.

*GULP!* *BELCH!* "EXCUSE ME!" the obese Reaper said it reached into its cargo holds with a few tentacles that seemed smaller than most, and by the looks of them were about to fall whither and fall off unless he got control of his diet, and yanked out a few crates and placed them on the ground.

The crates fell apart and, to the elation of everyone assembled, food stores that would feed them until they got a ride home. Each meal carefully packaged in air tight, but easily removable, seals, with a set of utensils, condiments, and napkins.

"I WAS ABLE TO PICK UP ON SOME DEXTRO-AMINO FRIENDLY RECIPES YOUR FRIENDS MIGHT *HICCUP* APPRECIATE!" the Reaper bellowed proudly.

Completely indifferent to whatever reactions they'd get, Tali and Garrus dove into the prepared meals and ate like ravenous wolves. The Reaper would have frowned if he had a face. He worked hard preparing those meals.

While understanding of their situations, it was hard to not stare at the turian and quarian as they dove into the feast prepared for them.

"Well, color me surprised, Gluttony. You did good," Shepard said with a look of genuine surprise.

"HEY!" the Reaper shot back, "I MAY BE A, WHAT DO YOU CALL IT, A PIG? I MAY BE OMNIVOROUS, BUT AT LEAST I HAVE STANDARDS! I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK!"

Shepard, no longer requiring any form of sustenance, rolled her eyes. "Of course you do."


	7. Chapter 7

With the prospect of starvation taken care of, and a pair of dextro-amino individuals sated for now, the next problem was transport off of the planet.

Thankfully, Gluttony had more than enough room to carry everyone and more. Save for the Normandy and EDI, as he wasn't a dreadnought class, and most of his bulk was pure Reaper Fat.

"So," Shepard said as she led the Normandy's crew out from the remains of the ship with what they could carry, "fatboy here (HEY!) can carry you guys back to your respective planets."

She looked to each of her crewmates, "Ash, Dr. Chakwas, and the rest of you can be taken to earth. Tali, you want to head back to Rannoch?"

The engineer nodded eagerly. She had picked out that absolute best spot that had a perfect view of both sunrise and sunset. She had left a picket sign that said "PROPERTY OF ADMIRAL TALI'ZORAH. TRESSPASSORS WILL BE PROSECUTED BY THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE CONCLAVE AND ADMIRALTY BOARD LAW. THEN, I WILL MAKE CHITKITTA'VAS PAUS FRY YOUR ASS!"

"Garrus? Back to Palaven?" she asked.

"Yes," he said,"but, if it's not too much to ask, I'd like to get a ride to Rannoch when things are settled.."

Tali turned to him and she couldn't help but smile. "Garrus…" she said softly.

"Gluttony, be sure and give them a private, and sterilized, room on the way. Those horny kids are probably gonna need it," she said with a smirk, remembering the time she had caught them in middle of Garrus' 'calibrations'. Never had maintenance been so dirty.

"Whoa! Whoa! Hold on there Skipper!" Ashley said with a raised hand, "what about Indoctrination? Saren, Benezia, and all them?"

"Pfft," Shepard scoffed, "I turned it off the instant I took control. Besides, kinda pointless with me running things with my natural charisma. Don't need it, I'm just that awesome."

Ashley looked away and mumbled, "Yeah, like a politico doesn't need a PR firm."

Shepard threw her head back and laughed. "Keep up with the sweet talk, Chief and I'll make you my Second-Reaper-in Command."

The Second Human Spectre reeled at the idea. "Uh, yeah, let me take a survey and I'll get back to on that, Skipper."

"Anyway, aside from that all, looks like we're all ready to go," Shepard said ready to try out her fancy fangled intergalactic traveling platform in space again.

"Um, commander?" Joker's voice asked from the crowd.

"Oh yeah," Shepard muttered, aware that Joker didn't want to leave his sextoy behind. "I'll be sure and let the Alliance know that you and whatserface want a ride back too and you'll be keeping her company in the meantime."

"Shepard," EDI spoke up as she stood next to Joker, "I wanted to say thank you. It is because of you I feel alive," she said completely calm before her frown, and anger, returned in force, "because I hate you *that much*!" She accompanied her statement with another middle finger.

The pronouncement caused everyone in sight to gasp and stand still.

"EDI, might wanna tone it down a bit," Joker warned, "she may be a dick, but she's an all-powerful one. Plus, it kinda loses it's impact the more you do it."

Shepard only smiled, evidently pleased with herself. "With that, my work here is done. Alright, everybody, time to move out!"

Behind her, Gluttony opened the cargo bay doors at his front, which to the relief of everyone involved, was not his mouth. As they all stepped in, it was obvious they were tentative about the prospect of boarding a Reaper after all they had experienced.

"Come on, people, the galaxy's not going to fix itself. Chop, chop!" Shepard said with her hands slapping against each other. She paused and looked at her hands, realizing that they didn't make the usual *clap, clap* sound, but *clang, clang* in its place. A smile then graced her face when she realized just how much more obnoxious she could be to other people. But that would have to wait as her crewmates slowly entered inside the craft.

"WE THANK YOU FOR FLYING REAPER EXPRESS! PLEASE BE SURE THAT ALL YOUR VALUABLES ARE STORED SAFELY AND THAT ALL YOUR LIMBS ARE WITHIN THE CRAFT AT ALL TIMES. PLEASE BE AWARE THAT ANY LOSS OF SANITY, *HICCUP!* INDOCTRINATION, AND DEATH ARE-"

"***AHEM!***" Shepard frowned and said, evidently annoyed, "Don't try to be funny, Gluttony."

"SORRY," the Reaper cowered as the shutters closed.

"**_AND IF ANYTHING DOES HAPPEN TO THEM, I'M GONNA MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE SHOT DOWN IN THE LAST BATTLE!_**" she snarled, more than eager to make good on her threats.

In all the annals of history, never before had a Reaper squeaked in terror the way Gluttony did.

She then turned to the stragglers and said, "EDI, you can get to repairs on the ship in the meantime. The extra supplies fatso here dropped off have enough materials that if you're fast, you can get on your way before the Alliance comes to pick you up."

EDI nodded calmly, despite her still hating Shepard's guts. "Yes, Commander."

"With all the supplies we still got, I'll be fine. I'll help EDI keep the place clean until we get outta here, Shepard," Joker said.

Shepard wasn't convinced that was the only reason why he wanted to stay, however, she only smirked and said, "Fine. Have fun, you dork."

As the craft began to lift off into the atmosphere, Shepard knelt down momentarily before a small explosion occurred. From out of the plume of fire, Shepard emerged and sped off after Gluttony.

When both entered space, leaving Joker and EDI alone, they slowly turned to each other and smiled. Mischievous smiles one usually had when your parents left the house so you could watch 'naughty' things and then hide the evidence before they got back!

"Come on!" Joker said as he took EDI's hand and eagerly ran into the forest…. well, staggered, anyway.


	8. Chapter 8

It was too good to be true. Joker and EDI had a whole planet to themselves. The Reapers weren't a threat, they had the rest of their lives, and it was all good.

Joker grinned like an idiot then started to disrobe.

If EDI had the capacity to blush, she would as she noticed Joker's inexplicably toned torso.

"Oh, Jeff," she said quickly, attempting to hide her excitement, "are you getting undressed?"

Joker gave her a grin as he took off his boots. "Ah yeah! This way!"

EDI was excited at the prospected of another attempt at intimacy. Their previous occasion, while exciting, wondrous, and pleasurable, ended rather awkwardly.

It was a note for all organic species during intimacy is that the instant you hear something crunch, snap, or break, it's time to get a doctor that won't ask questions.

"EDI, when you did a scan of this planet, you didn't find any hostile chemicals in the water, did you?" he said as she pulled off his pants. While EDI was somewhat disappointed with the prospect of not engaging in intimacy, she was more worried as to what he was doing.

"No, I did not, Jeff. However," she tried to ask.

"Be careful!" she cried before Joker got a running start, or a staggering start in his case, and with all his available strength, leaped a whole foot into the air, gathered his legs about him and made a large splash in the lake that was right beside the Normandy.

While the lesser amount of gravity in the water would not affect his bone structure as much, she could not help but feel worried for his condition. It wasn't as though he were miraculously, and inexplicably, changed by some poorly thought out method that could only be described as 'space magic'.

Her fears were alleviated when he started to swim to the surface. When he emerged, he whipped his head about to get rid of some of the water on his face and turn to her. The smile on his face brought a smile to her own.

Her unexpected tripdation at entering the water caused him to grin more. "Your unit's waterproof, right?"

She nodded. "Yes, Jeff. Save for the hair follicle units, this platform is capable of underwater maneuvers with little difficulty."

He swung his arm inward. "Then hop in! You'll be fine!"

Of the many, many videos in Joker's stash, she had noted that quite a few of them involved couples engaging themselves in the water. Perhaps it was Jeff's idea to engage in intimacy in the water. However, she quickly found that an ill-advised course of action to take. The lack of lubrication, the colder water, the possible diseases he could contract from an unfamiliar planet caused her to pause.

"EDI," he said somewhat softer, "you'll be fine. I may not be able to do much, but I'm here."

Once again, her doubt vanished as she lowered the body of her platform, bent her knees, and took a flying leap into the air.

It's not in an AI's nature to forget, however, the instant she hit the water, EDI remembered one important detail.

Her platform weighed at least one-hundred and twenty kilograms. It was also made of a durable, and mealeable alloy. The materials, however, were not meant to float.

The instant she hit the ground, she looked up to see a hysterically laughing Joker, slapping the surface of the water. She frowned and put her hands on her hips to show her disapproval. Not that he'd be able to see it.

When EDI first told Joker that she enjoyed the sight of humans on their knees, she had meant it as a joke at first. Now, if Joker wanted any further sessions of intimacy, he'd have to become well acquainted with the floor.

* * *

"EXCUSE ME, SHEPARD?" Gluttony said as he pulled up beside his Lord and Master as they made their way to the relay.

"Hmm?"

"SO, WHAT EXACTLY ARE WE REAPERS GOING TO DO ONCE EVERYTHING'S FIXED? *HICCUP!*"

Shepard snorted. Not at him, but at the memory of the Starbrat 'solution' to stop organics and synthetics from killing each other. Idiot.

"Good question," she said as the relay came into view. "Once I let everyone know who's large and in charge, I could just send everyone out into dark space to conserve power. If there's another uprising by synthetics, I'll make sure the Citadel's ready to bring you boys in to squash it. Not gonna let that little starlit puke have the satisfaction."

"BUT, YOU SQUASHED HIM."

"He still whines and pisses his pants in whatever afterlife he's in," Shepard grumbled. Then she smirked, "and then I pushed him down, snicker snagged on him, and took his lunch money. Little twerp."

"THINK PEOPLE MIGHT BE A TAD SURPRISED TO SEE US POURING THROUGH THE CITADEL LIKE WE USED TO? I MEAN, WHAT IF THEY TRY AND INTERFERE THE WAY THE PROTHEANS DID?"

Shepard snorted, "You think I'm gonna tell people what I'm gonna do? Don't patronize me! Besides, you think I'm gonna let that little puke be right? Pfft!"

"HUH. OK. I… OH!" he said and would have blinked if he had eyes.

"What's going on?" Shepard asked as they were about to enter the pull of the Relay.

"THE TURIAN AND THE QUARIAN ARE ENGAGED IN REPRODUCTIVE BEHAVIOR. ARE THEY A CROSS COMPATIBLE SPECIES?"

The question almost made her scold Gluttony, but she actually paused and as they both entered the Relay. When they emerged on the other side, she said, "They aren't. But they need to be…. and you are recording that, aren't you?"

"YES, SHEPARD."

A mischievous smile grew on her face, "Excellent. Once that's recorded, upload it to my platform and delete your copy. I adore blackmail material and I'm the only one that keeps it!"

"YES, SHEPARD."


	9. Chapter 9

On the Quarian homeworld, Shala'Raan looked to the place where Tali had left her sign. Then, she turned to the rotting carcass of Cypher, the Reaper Shepard had defeated on Rannoch.

She turned to the Geth Prime that had become her constant and faithful companion and said, "is anyone going to clean that up? It's starting to smell."

Being a biomechanical eldrtich abomination did come with its downsides. Unlike regular organics, the level of stink a rotting Reaper carcass can rise to levels that made open sewers seem fragrant in comparison.

The Geth Prime shrugged. "Forgive us, Creator Raan. All available platforms have been assisting in the disembarking of the creator fleet."

Raan huffed. "Of course." While she couldn't really complain, the fact that the Reaper carcass was still there, stinking up the joint was an eyesore.

A thundercrash brought her out of her reverie and both Raan and her Prime looked up to see two Reapers and a smaller fireball emerge from the sky.

A month ago, such a sight would have caused them both to scream and flee in terror. Now, it merely gave them pause.

The fireball landed on the plateau in front of them and from a newly formed crater, Shepard emerged from the fire, pristine as ever.

Raan cocked an eyebrow. "…Shepard? Is that you?"

The Reaper God nodded. "Yep. It's me. Nothing to see here, just dropping someone off."

"So much for subtlety," Vanity, the second Reaper Shepard had brought with her, said to Gluttony. He wasn't listening and instead looked to the rotting carcass of Cypher hungrily. "Ok, seriously! If you're gonna eat that guy, at least have the decency to wash it off first! I mean, it's been roasting in the sun for a month! I'm surprised none of the on planet predators haven't eaten it whole by now! Well, provided they don't get huskified, and-"

"Give it a rest, Vanity," Shepard said, mildly annoyed.

When both Reapers landed one of them opened up its maw and Tali'Zorah emerged. "Auntie Raan!" she said as she then raced towards the other admiral and embraced her happily.

"Tali!"

In a touching reunion, both quarians embraced happily, before she turned back to Shepard and said, "Thank you so much."

The Reaper God waved it off. "Consider this my apology for the time with the spiders."

Tali twitched. Noticeably. And not in a good way. "Yes… Shepard." She had torn off her helmet, not aware the spiders on her face plate were merely stickers, and had gotten sick for the next two days as her captain laughed her head off.

"I knew you were a good sport about it, Tali!" Shepard, pleased and purposefully oblivious. "I brought Vanity here to help you with that house, too! Just be sure and tell her what kind of house you want and you'll be good."

She turned around, frowned, and roared, "_**GLUTTONY!**_"

The Reaper in question paused in fear as it was about to chew on Cypher's inert form.

Despite her miniscule size in comparison to the chubby Reaper, she spoke with all the authority that a God Reaper of Reapers had. "_**WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!**_"

Again, the Reaper squeaked and cowered before his lord and master. "TO…. TO NOT EAT ANYTHING WHILE I HAVE PASSENGERS INSIDE ME. *HICCUP!*"

"_**GOOD!**_" Shepard snarled as her eyes blared a bright red before they died down to their natural blue hue. "Now come on, we got other people to drop off."

With that, Shepard knelt down, before a powerful explosion engulfed her and she sped off into the atmosphere again. Immediately behind her, Gluttony soared off into space to drop off the remaining members of Shepard's crew. Well, not so much flown, but staggered.

Back on the ground, Shala'Raan and the Geth Prime stood still in shock.

"What… what just happened?" Raan asked, attempting to, and failing to make sense as to what she witnessed.

The Geth Prime twitched a flap before one of its three blue ocular lights shorted out and said, "No data."

"Trust me, auntie," Tali said with her arms folded and a scowl on her face, "very little makes sense as far as Shepard's concerned. Remember Han"Gerrel?"

* * *

"Admiral!" Shepard snarled into the comm. "Am I gonna have to come up there and smack a bitch… again?!"

There was a visible pause before the admiral's voice was heard. "All ships, cease fire and hold your position."

Both Tali and Legion looked to each other, then to Shepard. Shocked and amazed that she was able to do that.

* * *

"Ok, Hun," the older Reaper said as it walked up to the edge of the cliff where Tali, Raan, and the Prime stood. "Shepard said you wanted a house, so, let's make ya a house. And, sweetie, when I'm done, yer gonna just adore it!"

Raan blinked once and then teetered over and would have fallen on the ground had the Geth Prime not caught her.

"See?" Tali said with a cocked eyebrow.

* * *

"KELLY CHAMBERS," a Reaper bellowed over the crowd of people assembled in one of the rebuilt residential areas to find the woman in question. "YOUR PRESENCE IS REQUESTED."

Kelly Chambers, still in her Felicia Hannigan guise looked up to the giant synthetic and cocked an eyebrow.

"Me?" she said, confused as to why any of the seemingly now benevolent Reapers would request her of all people.

"AFFIRMATIVE."

She sighed and gave the box of supplies to another worker that assisted in the relief effort and followed the giant as it waddled its way further to the docks. "With any luck, I won't be long. If I'm dead, well, tell the C.R.S.* to stop asking for back taxes."

The asari that helped her smiled and nodded.

"Alright, let's get this over with," Kelly mumbled tiredly. If it wasn't her PTSD keeping her up at night, it was the additional trauma of seeing even more people dead when the Reapers commandeered the Citadel. Good times.

In a more secluded part of the docks, Kelly looked around to find no one there. She then looked to the Reaper and asked, "So… who wanted me here? Or is this the place where you're going to put me out of my misery?"

"Damn, Kelly. You've gotten sour," a familiar voice said as it emerged from between the halls.

Kelly's eyes went wide and she gasped, "Shepard?!" she then ran forward and embraced her former CO. "Oh! Thank goodness you're alive and…" it was then Kelly realized that the body she embraced was hard, but warm.

"You're…" Kelly tried to say, then she looked at Shepard up and down once before she raised an eyebrow. "You're Shepard, but you're not. What happened?"

The Reaper God gave her a humored smile. "Long story. Wanna hear it? I'm pretty awesome in it."

Kelly held a hand to her mouth as she chuckled, "Yeah, that's you alright."

As Shepard regaled Kelly about her triumph and ascension, Shepard had recalled the fun times they had during their tour of duty in the Terminus.

* * *

"Hello, Commander," Kelly said cheerfully.

"Go'way!"

"Yes, Ma'am."

* * *

Kelly, however, was patiently persistent. And aware that she could never hope to get the overly perky and seemingly unshakable yeoman off her tail, she decided to take Kelly under her wing.

In Shepard's cabin, she pushed the big red button to feed Shepard's fish.

Immediately, a Blue Suns Batarian, bound and gagged, gaped in horror at his predicament. The several dozen Tuchaunkan Blood River Piranha smiled hungrily at their meal, show casing their teeth that were sharp enough to cut through armor, slice, dice, and, in the right hands, make hundreds of julienne fries.

As the batarian become nothing more than a red mist in the tank, Kelly smiled and returned to her console in the CIC. The fish were very thorough and would always clean up after their meals.

"Your fish have been fed, commander!" Kelly said brightly.

With a smirk of her own, Shepard said, "Well done, Chambers."

* * *

"So, that's how it's gonna go," Shepard said with a shrug. "So, I need a liaison between me and organics and since you're not officially Alliance, and that I liked you more than Traynor, man, what a nerd, you fit the bill perfectly. That and you're my best bet to forward my messages between me and the other squadmates."

Kelly slumped her shoulders and sighed sadly, "It's nice to be needed."

Shepard laughed heartily, "relax, Chambers. You'll be doing more than that. Besides, I got means to make sure you'll never want again. And best of all, you'll be working for me!"

Kelly chuckled. "Sounds good, commander-"

"Just Shepard, now."

"-Shepard. But, I still want to help the rest of the people rebuild and all. That's a pretty time consuming endeavor."

The God Reaper waved if off. "Pssh. Most of my Reapers are taking care of that stuff. And I could see you've been properly delegating the work. You'll be fine. Besides, I need your psych expertise with your liaison."

Kelly blinked. "Did I hear you just right?"

Shepard nodded. "Yeah, you're going with-" she then looked around and could have sworn she had summoned another specific Reaper to the docks. Even the Reaper that had summoned Kelly noticed this and turned to search. "Odd. She was here a minute ago."

"There was another Reaper here?" Kelly asked and whirled around.

"Yeah. Strange. You'd think with them being what they are, you'd be able to find them easy," she said as she accessed the Reaper Network and found the one in question.

She then sighed and stomped her way to the opposite end of the empty docks. She motioned with her head to imply Kelly and the other Reaper were to follow her.

A moment later, Kelly bore witness to a sight she'd thought she'd never see. A Reaper, noticeably smaller than a destroyer, but still far larger than an occuli, shivered and held two of its tentacles in front of its face as though it were hiding.

Shepard sighed. "Timidity, knock it off."

The smaller Reaper stopped shivering, then pulled its legs back as though it were a scolded puppy.

"Sorry," she said with a noticeably shy voice. To Kelly's shock, she didn't sound at all like any of the other Reapers at all. Her voice was timid, for a Reaper, and that was at a decibel level that was easily considered normal conversation level speaking.

"As I was saying; Kelly, this is Timidity. You'll be working alongside her, since it'll be more efficient than using a frigate. I'll take care of all the expenses and that means we can start getting to work!" Shepard said with a bright smile all her own. She ignored the fact that the Reaper in question was harvested from a civilization of misanthropes, introverts, and agoraphobics.

Kelly fainted in response.

"Oh my," Timidity gasped lightly.

—-

*= Citadel Revenue Service. Unavoidable, even in the future!


	10. Chapter 10

Kelly looked down to the list of people she was to send invitations to and sighed. It wasn't the fact that the list was extensive. It was Timidity's remote platform looking over her shoulder from the crate above her. The Reapers, evidently, wanted to follow Shepard's lead and had been spending time creating their own remote platforms to interact with organics.

She had opted for a smaller and more compact form than Shepard did and as a result, whenever Kelly and Timidity were in public, people assumed she had adopted a lost Reaper Child. The thought made Kelly frown and sigh. And here she thought things were bizarre enough as it was.

"Um," the Little Reaper said as she retreated behind the edge of the crate so only her eyes were visible, "is there anything else I can help you with?" Her voice was so tiny, Kelly noted with some surprise. Even mutlilayered, it sounded unusual to hear a Reaper say that.

"I'm fine. Thank you," she said with her best smile. To her surprise, the Little Reaper peeked over the edge and smiled back. In a twisted sort of way, Timidity was kind of adorable. Considering her primary body was composed out of a race that had taken the Reapers a thousand years to harvest because they were so good at hiding. Whenever a race wanted to kill them, they hid so well that it frustrated their enemies to the point where they often attacked each other.

The littlest Reaper of them all then hopped off the edge and to the floor without a sound. She then looked to her companion and asked, "You are a kind organic. Even though I am a Reaper, you do not fear me."

Kelly gave her a lop-sided smile and said, "Timidity, can I be honest with you?"

Eagerly, she nodded. "Oh, yes. Please!" She appeared wide eyed and earnest in her appeal.

Kelly took a deep breath, aware at how badly this could go, but felt it best to let it out now. "You terrify me. Not you specifically, but right now, I'm dealing with a stress disorder that keeps me up at night because of some experiences I had a while ago."

Timidity's eyes went wide for a second and then looked down, despondent.

In an instant, Kelly felt like she had just kicked a puppy. A Reaper Puppy, but a puppy nonetheless.

She then got up and knelt beside the diminutive assistant, put her hand on Timidity's shoulder and said, "but I'll get better in time. It'll take a while and if Shepard's right, then I have nothing to fear about you."

The little Reaper's frown vanished and she held her hands against her face with both hands as her smile grew. Kelly wondered if she was being indoctrinated, because the look Timidity gave her was just too adorable.

"Can I help?" she asked even more earnestly than before. Despite the energy, she was still soft-spoken and her voice slightly above a whisper.

Kelly chuckled a bit and said as she sat in front of her companion. "Well, unless you know to cure PTSD, I'm afraid we're out of luck."

"Oh!" Timidity said with a smile. "When next we travel in my larger platform, I can ask Shepard to allow me to use my sub-harmonic amplifiers to fix it."

Kelly froze. Then twitched. And then she started to laugh nervously. If she remembered right, from what Shepard told her, those things allowed the Reapers to Indoctrinate people. "Um, Timidity, I know you want to help, but scrambling my brains isn't the way to go about fixing me."

Realizing her mistake, Timidity shook her head furiously. "Oh, no! Not at all!" She then walked beside Kelly and pointed to the ground. From her hand a small light appeared and a display appeared before them. It showed a simplified drawing of a Reaper and organic. The Organic had swirls for eyes to indicate its brain scramblings. The Reaper had an angry face… for some reason, as unhappy faces emanated from it.

"Some cycles ago, Sovereign drifted into the Citadel far earlier than we were supposed to. He fell asleep at the wheel, as you would say. So, what few races we found at the time weren't ready. So, we had to reverse the process to keep our presence a secret."

Kelly blinked at the revelation. "How?"

Timidity sighed, as if she were embarrassed. "Well, the fact was Indoctrination is nothing more than *atonal music played at a level so low, you never notice it. That makes that horrid, nail scratching thing so unbearable, you'd do anything to get it to stop."

Kelly rolled her eyes. "No wonder."

"So, we developed a reversal process to undo the effects of it and repair the damaged portions of organic brain centers. Well, after we removed any evidence of tampering, of course."

The image at the bottom showed the Reaper, now with a happy face, radiating smiles towards the image of the organic. The organic began to cheer. The former yeoman wasn't sure to be amused to disturbed.

Kelly cocked an eyebrow. "Really?"

Timidity nodded eagerly. "it repairs the damaged parts of the brain and restores it to optimal capacity."

She'd have to speak with Shepard about it, but if it meant actually getting a good night's sleep, it was worth a shot. Though she wanted to weep at the prospect of willingly letting a Reaper 'un'indoctrinate her, despite the fact she was never affected in the first place, if she was telling the truth.

Either way, she wasn't sure what to think anymore. If she was to survive this errand, she'd have a good cry, a tub of Ben and Jerry the IV's Citadel Swirl, and chick holos up the wazoo!

* * *

The several dozen reporters looked to each other and spoke in hushed whispers as they each went over the simple invitation they had received.

_You want answers as to how the war ended? Well, come to my press conference and you'll get them. _

_P.S. Any tabloid, spin-doctor journalists are more than welcome to come. In fact, they're encouraged. _

Khalisah bint sinan al-Jilani swallowed audibly. Ever since Westerlund had been ground into dust, she had to find ways to make ends meet. This was her chance to get into legit reporting, however, the last line of the invitation chilled her. It was as if they knew she was still around.

"Ahem," Kelly said as she stood up to the podium to get all their attention. "Thank you, everyone for your attendance. I'd like to point out the restrooms fore and aft. In addition, there'll be lunch served once the conference is over."

"Oh, come on! Let's get this over with!" a familiar voice grumbled from behind the curtains.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Shepard," Kelly said and quickly left the platform, as all the reporters gasped when the Reaper God, in all her awesomeness, strode out with a big smile.

"Evening, everyone. Glad to see you're all looking good," her glowing blue eyes zeroed in on one reporter in particular and gave an unsettling smile. "Especially you, al-Jilani. Glad to see you made it."

Khalisah's face went a few shades paler as the blood flowed out.

"Now, then, ladies and gentlemen of the press. The long and the short of it is, the whole Reaper business was one big, fat pile of malarkey."

All the reporters looked to each other in confusion.

"The whole deal with the Reapers was because of one stupid AI thinking that the only thing to stop war between synthetics and organics would be to harvest civilizations by the boatful every fifty fucking thousand years!" Shepard said with a frown and a clenched fist as she thought back on the Catalyst.

Despite her fear, Khalisah raised her hand and spoke up, "But… that doesn't make any sense!"

"Of course it didn't! It was like one or two morons were trying to be deep and profound and some shit. But the only thing it did was toss everything down the toilet," she said with an increasing offness about her voice.

From the side, Kelly's eyes widened and she turned to her Reaper companion, "Was she drinking before the conference?"

Timidity nodded and said, "a whole crate full of Serrice Iced Brandy." She paused a moment. "Is that a problem?"

Kelly held her face in her hands. "Oh no."

"And so," Shepard ranted, "some starlit little puke tells me I gotta make some damn choice because *it* evidently didn't think beyond it's damn programming! Which is why I'm gonna be saying this once: I don't care what organics and synthetics do with each other. It's not my problem if they fuck themselves over! However, if people get stupid and AIs and organics start fighting each other, I'm gonna stop it!"

Khalisah raised her arm again, "So… are you effectively taking over the government's position?"

Shepard snorted and started to laugh. "Hell no! You think I want to be some damn space dictator? Gimma a break. It's been hell and a half being the head of a single ship. All the organics can fight themselves into extinction for all I care!"

The reporters all looked to each other as they felt the conversation growing more and more awkward with each passing sentence.

Khalisah raised her arm again. "So, Shepard, how can we trust you when you are, in your own words, a Reaper yourself?"

Shepard gave her a predatory grin. "Wanna try me, Khalisah?"

"No!" she squeaked as though she were a mouse in front of a lion.

"Good! Because I like you!" she said as her smile turned jovial. "You're a total bitch, but I like you nonetheless. Really. You shoulda been on the Normandy instead of Diana whatshername."

"Um… thanks?" Khalisah said, unsure how to take the compliment.

"Now then!" Shepard said as she stood to her full height, "any questions? None? Good! Let's get wasted!"

"Lord Shepard's inebriation levels are high enough to kill a Krogan," Timidity said, noticeably concerned.

"Well, she always was one for heavy drinking," Kelly said morosely.

* * *

Some time later, in a grubby bar on Omega, Shepard drank happily. Her platform, capable of inebriation in wonderful ways organics could only dream of, twirled happily with one of the dancers. The poor Maiden looked up to Aria, her face a mask of total fear, aware of whom Shepard was and what she could do.

Aria's face was a stone cold mask of a single message, "suck it up, sweetie." She hated Shepard being there as much as the next person, however, considering that absolutely nothing could be done about the most powerful bitch in the galaxy, Aria could only watch unhappily.

"Oh! Oh! Aria!" Shepard said as she let go of the dancer and hopped up the several meters to the Queen of Omega's platform as though she were taking a step. Aria held her body guards back, aware that they couldn't do anything.

"Yes, Shepard?" the asari said with folded arms.

"Remember your only rule of Omega? Do ya?" Shepard slurred as the Reaper God began to sway.

"Yes," Aria said hiding her annoyance in check.

"Well, then," she leaned forward, the various drinks on her breath more pungent than before, "how about what happens when someone wants to fu-" she then toppled over and landed face first on the platform, passed out drunk and snoring loud enough to wake the dead.

Aria sighed.

It was going to be a long night.

And as Aria began to question whether getting back Omega with the most obnoxious omnipotent being in the galaxy as a regular, no matter how much astronomical cash she paid, other things went on in the Reaper Consciousness.

"So, Vanity! How's yours and Aestheticism's salon coming along?" she asked with a smile.

"Oh, sweetie, it was the best idea you've ever had!" the older Reaper said with a grin as her platform, at the time, was help styling the hair of a few human dignitaries for something more modern. "I'm getting clients from as far as Rannoch! I've never felt so needed before!"

"Indeed," Aestheticism said as his platform was assisting in the recoloring of a Matron's facial tattoos. "And Gluttony serving the last of the Leviathans as a barbecue for the colonies with fewer supplies was a nice gesture."

She nodded. "See? What'd I tell ya? Using these interdependent mobile platforms was the best thing ever!" Shepard said, proud of herself.

"THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE!" a familiar and unwelcome presence growled as Harbinger bellowed across all of them. Out of all the Reapers, he was the only one who staunchly refused to degrade himself by interacting with organics. So much, so, that he was last seen jumping into the center of the galaxy via the Omega Relay in a huff and turned it off with a signal that said, "NO ORGANICS ALLOWED!"

"Herb…" Shepard said as a smile reserved only for the likes of Jack Torrence and Patrick Bateman appeared on her face. "Take a walk… a long, LONG walk."

"WHAT ARE YOU-" he started before he felt Shepard's will override his own and from the center of the galaxy, the once fearsome Reaper dreadnought began to move. Through relay after relay, Harbinger felt himself flying through lesser used paths of travel.

Amid jump, he felt a request for communication coming from Rannoch. Curious, he accepted the call.

[Hello! You have connected to **_REAPER CHAT_**!]

[**HarbyTLeviathan** has connected.]

[**G3thC0ns3ns0s** has connected.]

**HarbyTLeviathan**: WHO IS THIS?

**G3thC0ns3ns0s**: We are Geth. We have reached a consensus.

**HarbyTLeviathan**: AND WHAT IS THAT?

**G3thC0ns3ns0s**: The Old Machine known as Harbinger has been…

**G3thC0ns3ns0s**: *equips light obstructing eyeware*

**G3thC0ns3ns0s**: Shepherded!

**G3thC0ns3ns0s**: LOL LOL LOL! SUX 2 B U!

[**G3thC0ns3ns0s** has disconnected.]

**HarbyTLeviathan**: AE#*&HQ#D&*)H!

* * *

_**Where are they now? **_

Kelly Chambers and her Reaper Companion, Timidity, became BFFs and started a health center for treatments of mental disorders and relaxation. The center is renowned throughout all the galaxy and is rumored to be powered by rainbows, kittens, and friendships.

Liara T'soni has resumed her Shadow Broker activities. When not engaged in archaeology, she frequently indulges in watching every move Javik makes as he's stalked by countless Hanar followers, wishing to be 'enkindled'. She considers this proper recompense for being, as she says, "A big, mean jerk!"

Joker and EDI were legally married and started a home for Lost Geth platforms.

Dr. Karin Chakwas finally retired and turns down marriage proposals from the rich and powerful on a daily basis.

Ashley Williams rises through the ranks and proceeds to become the terror of pirates and raiders throughout the galaxy with her trademark phrase, "This. Is. My. BOOMSTICK!" Shepard is still pestering her to become her Second Reaper in Command. She refuses to comment.

Javik is currently in hiding from countless Hanar admirers.

Tali'Zorah Vas Rannoch built her house on Rannoch and started a garden. When her green thumb wasn't so green, she went back to engineering.

Garrus Vakarian, despite his position in the Hierarchy, often visits his girlfriend, Tali'Zorah. He'd ask her to marry him, but he's in the middle of some emotional calibrations.

Shepard, the God Reaper of Reapers and Badass of the Galaxy, financially takes care of her former squadmates and crew members with knowledge of lost civilizations' artifacts. The closest place to find her is in bars. However, in her alchohol filled vigil, she watches for the time when synthetics foolishly rise up against organics again. She refuses to let the starlit little puke be right.

Yet, she takes some solace in the fact that the last of the Leviathan's mistakes are gone. The construct formerly known as Harbinger was flown to the edge of the galaxy and dissassembled in the deepest ocean of a toxic planet.

It is never found. Not that anyone would want to look for it.

And so, Shepard saved the galaxy and she had a rockin buzz to go with it.

**The End**

* * *

*DAMN YOU, ARNOLD SCHOENBERG!

**A/N: **Hope you folks had fun reading this. :) If so, leave a review! Makes me want to write more! :D


	11. Epilogue

In the shell of the almost completely rebuilt Normandy, the last two individuals who did not leave with Reaper Lord Shepard took their time.

On Shepard's bed, which coincidentally was wide enough for two people, three if you're lucky, several contented sighs were heard.

On his back, Joker caressed the smooth and warm metal of EDI's back and hair. Artificial or not, EDI's platform resembled humanity far better than anyone would admit. Unless they were Cerberus. However, considering said organization's active roster was pretty bare, no one was able to aptly describe it.

"EDI… how do you do it?" Joker asked with a tired smile on his face.

The artificially intelligent woman smiled, then leaned over to kiss his cheek, then whisper in his ear, "I learned that from your personal collection, Jeff. In spite how silly and impractical a few of those presentations were."

Remembering that she had used his private collection to flood Cerberus' servers when they tried to take her back after the Collector incident, he couldn't help but laugh.

"Isn't that the point?" he asked with a smirk.

Joker was about to respond when the doors suddenly opened to show Reaper Lord Shepard, Badass of the Galaxy, barging through, her synthetic face alight with worry.

"Harvey! Harvey, are you-" she turned from the cage where her intrepid and loyal space hamster resided to her bed to see Joker and EDI in a position that could only be described as post-coital.

"Hello, Shepard. Did you forget something?" EDI asked, adjusting herself so she now sat comfortably on Joker's hips.

Joker on the other hand, had turned several shades paler. "Uh… hi, comman-"

"**THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?!**" Shepard roared, in a similar fashion to the Reaper bluster, with her eyes blaring red.

Nonplussed, EDI answered, "We are engaged in romantic sexual intimacy. What else could it be?"

Joker, on the other hand, tried his best to cover himself and herself with a sheet, however, EDI's position on him would not allow any attempt at keep any dignity he had left.

"**I WANT YOU TWO OUT OF MY CABIN! NOW!**" Shepard yelled again, her volume almost loud enough to shatter the glass.

"Sure thing, comman-. Uh, EDI, could you-" he tried before EDI interrupted.

"Technically, Shepard, this is no longer your cabin," her tone was even and calm.

"**WHAT?**" Shepard said, ready to crush the insolent synthetic for defying the God Reaper of Reapers.

"Under Systems Alliance Statute 252-8, subsection C, the instant you allowed yourself to be absorbed into the Reaper Collective, as per your own words, and became the God Reaper of Reapers, you became a non-person. Therefore, under Systems Alliance Statute 546-9, subsection F; any and all equipment constructed or obtained for the use of the Systems Alliance is therefor rendered under command of the nearest surviving officer. In this case, it would be Pilot Jeffery Moreau. So, in summary, this is now Joker's ship and his cabin and you are intruding on our privacy."

Joker's face grew both panicked and even paler. Shepard was going to kill them both! And he was trapped underneath EDI's sexy body! What a way to go!

"Furthermore, being the God Reaper of Reapers, such a frivolous thing such as a cabin would serve no use, as you no longer require rest, sustenance, nor lodgings." EDI said with an air of finality. Joker felt ready to prepare himself for his final farewell. At least it was in a good position.

Shepard glared at EDI for a long time and before Joker gathered the courage to ask her anything, she said with a huff, "Fine. But you don't get to take care of Harvey anymore."

With that, she reached into the small and surprisingly untouched pet box where her pet, Harvey the Space Hamster, squeaked in confusion.

"Come on, sweetie, this place is unfit for the pet of the Badass of the Galaxy," she said with surprising gentleness as she placed the intelligent rodent on her shoulder. She then gave EDI and Joker one last glare, stuck her artificial tongue out at both of them, then stalked out.

When the doors closed and they both knew they were alone, Joker spread his arms to his sides and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Damn, EDI. You got bigger balls than I do," he said with his hands behind his head.

"I fail to see how even having such organs in the first place would serve any specific purpose since my designation is not organic, let alone male," she said as she turned back to him.

"It's a joke. Don't worry about it," he said, almost back in the mood.

"I'm serious, Jeff. What does it mean?" EDI asked earnest in her desire to understand what he meant.

Joker sighed. Just when he was about to get lucky again; such was the story of his life.


End file.
